Just another story - 10

I kept myself busy for the next couple of days. Even though I didn’t want Maya to call me, I expected her to. But surprise surprise! She didn’t. I didn’t either.

The days went by slowly, with me picking up my phone every two minutes to check if she’s called or texted. I soon ended up checking my email and facebook every ten minutes. Nothing.  Although, it seemed as though her presence was stalking me. Facebook insisted on showing her face right at the top of my friends list. Her favourite movie would be on as I channel surfed. Her favourite pizza place would just decide to open a branch right outside my place. Maybe it was just me, or maybe something in the universe was trying to tell me something.

Luckily for me, I threw myself into work. It was easy, there was always so much to do. At work, I could be normal and sane but back home, I went crazy. The first couple of days were especially hard. I did everything to get my mind off her. I went out with pretty women, I had boys night outs and of course, there was always work.

But I don’t know, after a week or so, I realized that I really missed her. And then another thought entered my head, didn’t she miss me? Why didn’t she just pick up the phone and call? I had said I wanted to leave and she had just let me go. Why didn’t she stop me?

Maybe she was mad at me. That was easy to rectify. She could never stay mad at me, I knew that. Maybe she wanted me to call. Maybe I should just call. What was the big hullabaloo about anyway? I would call her and ask her to meet me. Like always. Yeah, Maya would understand. She knew me. More importantly, she would know that whatever it was, I wanted to brush it aside and move on.  

So I called her. She answered on the first ring. Maybe she was waiting for me to call too. 

“Hey!” Just the sound of her voice was enough to cheer me up.

“Hey..” I said awkwardly. I didn’t know how to proceed.

“I’ve missed you!”She exclaimed. I could imagine her clutching her phone tightly next to her face.

Suddenly I felt strange again. Why had she gone and said that? All those thoughts which had started this whole thing came rushing back to back.

“Umm. I missed you too.” I responded, not feeling that confident about it.

“So… we cool now?” She asked uncertainly.

“Ummm, sure, I guess.” That’s what I had called for right?

“So.. you want to catch up today?” She asked.

There! She did it again! I felt myself withdraw again.

“Today is difficult. Let’s see.” I commented half heartedly.

“Oh.” I knew from the tone of her voice, that I hadn’t fooled her. She knew exactly where I was going from here. Finally I heard her sigh.

“Why did you call me Arvind?” she asked, disappointment obvious in her voice.

“I don’t know” I replied honestly. She didn’t reply for the longest time. After a while, the awkwardness got to me.

“Listen, I was just stepping out. I’ll call you later.” I mumbled as I rushed to hang up the phone.

“See ya.”

I knew then and I guess she also knew, that most probably the relationship we had shared was over. You may say its childish and stupid but such is life. Sometimes we do the stupidest of things and they change our life in the most unimaginable ways.

When I had started off with this whole thing, I had been so sure of myself. So sure of what I wanted. Now? Now I’m not so sure. I know I will be perfectly fine without her. Eventually. But did I really want that?

Photograph via sxc.hu

Just another story - 9

I went back to my place after that and I crashed as soon as my head hit the pillow. I had the oddest of dreams that night. I was still at Maya’s place but Maya wasn’t there. I look everywhere but I don’t find her. The dream was so real, that I was bathed in sweat by the time I got up. I immediately reached for my phone. There were a couple of texts and a zillion calls from Maya.

WHERE ARE YOU?!

Did you just leave when I was sleeping?

What’s up with you??

Are you mad at me or something?

Dude! What’s wrong?!

Okay, I’m just going to leave you alone assuming you are sleeping. Call me when you get up!!!!!

I re-read her messages. I didn’t know what to think. Suddenly guilt overwhelmed me. Why had I walked out like I did? I read them again. Man! She sounded a little pushy didn’t she? The more I read them, the more I didn’t feel like calling her.

I missed her call again, and the next one. Why was she calling me so many times? I kept my phone on silent and went around doing my thing. Sooner or later she would stop. Right?

Anyway, this just proves I was right all along. She IS in fact expecting something from our friendship. Would a normal friend make so many calls or send so many texts? Glad I figured it out now.

Phew! What a crazy relationship that would have been? What was I thinking!

After an hour or so, she stopped calling, but I didn’t stop checking my phone. A couple of hours later, I called her.. You know, to just tell her, that I knew how she felt and to put an end to it. After all, she was a friend, I didn’t want to hurt her.

She answered on the first ring, “Hey” She said calmly.

“Hey, you slept okay?” I tried to play it cool.

“Yes and you?” She asked.

“Like a baby.” I replied.

“Uh huh, now will you please tell me where the hell you are?!” Her voice was getting a little pitchy now. “Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been?”

I sighed, this was what I was afraid of. Things getting ugly. “Maya, calm down!”

She stopped immediately. An awkward silence followed.

“Maya, I don’t think it’s a good idea.” I said confidently.

“Sorry? What isn’t a good idea” Confusion was apparent in her voice.

I would have to lay it down for her. “Us, hanging out together.”

“Oh!” She said quietly. After a long silence, she continued, “I don’t know what’s up with you, but I hope you get over it quickly.”

With an abrupt click, she hung up.

I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath. A huge sigh escaped me as I hung up. Relief?I hadn’t realized I was so worked up about this. An unpleasant feeling surrounded me. I don’t know. Maybe what I had done wasn’t right. It certainly was going to be difficult, but it was all for Maya. Somehow, I convinced myself, that I was doing it all for Maya.

Photograph via sxc.hu

Just another story - 8

To my surprise, for a while she didn’t react. Her arms lay limp by her side. I could feel her lean backwards as I held her. As I moved away slightly, she looked up at me, this questioning look in her eyes. I didn’t have anything to say and I had hoped that she had understood what I had been trying to convey to her. Slowly, a smile had appeared on her face and she had put her arms around my neck and stayed like that. I remember people around us had stared at us, but I don’t think either of us cared.

When she finally let go she had very simply said, thanks, I needed that.

I settled down on her couch and tried to get some sleep. Maya was one of those early birds unfortunately. Yes, you know the type. The ones who can’t stay awake beyond ten and can’t sleep beyond 8 am. Sometimes I ask myself why I’m friends with this woman. I can never come up with a good enough reason.

As I got comfortable, I realized that I had started my new year with Maya. I mean, sure I could have been with my friends but I don’t know. At the risk of sounding very chick like, this was nice too. Just sitting around, chatting with Maya.

Life would be all too easy if Maya and I got together. I know that. We get along really well, my friends love her and she’s just great. But she’s not my type. I like my women to be a little more mysterious, a little more glamorous. Maya just.. you know, she was always there. Consistent, affectionate, funny, accommodating. The perfect friend.  Of course, she complained when I didn’t show up on time, or when I didn’t shave but she quickly forgot about it. She didn’t hold any grudges, she forgave and actually forgot.

I know she sounds just perfect. But that’s on paper.  Guys will get this. I hope. There is just something missing. I can’t place my finger on it. But I have thought about it. I don’t know if she has. She never shows any signs. I know she dotes on me, but that’s it. Sometimes, I wonder what is wrong with me. I wonder why she doesn’t have any feelings for me. I’m not being narcissist here, I’m just saying. What’s wrong with Maya that she doesn’t feel anything for me? I’m not repulsive, I know for a fact that she enjoys spending time with me.

Okay, now you see. This is where relationships between a guy and a girl go haywire. When this angle comes into play. Now I know I won’t be able to look at her without wondering whether she has had the same thoughts. I somehow think it’s a terrible idea, you know, friends hooking up but I wouldn’t have mind giving it a shot, had it been anyone but Maya. I didn’t want to lose her, if I goofed up.  Which I invariably did. But there were just so many around, that I didn’t see the need to go back and settle things. When it came to love and relationships, my motto was, to each his own.

I mean, if you didn’t look out for yourself, who would? No, I would stay away from Maya. Just then another thought struck me. What did she make of my staying over and commenting on her dates all the time? Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea staying back. I didn’t want her to think I was hitting on her or anything. Or that we could be.

On an impulse, I crept back into her room to check on her. She was fast asleep, her arm stretched out and her fist clenched. I had to smile. She claimed it was the most comfortable sleeping position but it looked more like she was trying to box somebody.  I unclenched her fist and put her arm under her blanket. I pecked her forehead before I walked out. I knew what I was going to do next would probably hurt her, but it had to be done. I had to make it absolutely clear to her that we could never be together. I didn’t want her to feel misled or tricked.

I turned and walked out of her house, shutting the door behind me as I left.

Photograph via sxc.hu

Just another story - 7

We stayed up till wee hours of the morning, just kidding around. As dawn started creeping in, I could tell she was tired. She would yawn a little and then immediately look mortified. I think somewhere deep down she harboured some kind of formality towards me. Now that I think about it, she always asked me if I wanted something to drink or eat when I came over. It’s a different story that if I said yes, she would direct me to the kitchen and ask me to help myself.

But that didn’t stop her from asking every time.  

She stretched out luxuriously, lay her head down on the pillow and closed her eyes. Within minutes, she would drift into dreamland. I got off the bed, turned off the lights and went into her living room. All I saw as I walked around were traces of Maya's personality. Books, music, handwritten notes. It was this odd little habit she had. She used to write little notes to remind herself of the things she wanted to do and keep it in places where she could see often. Some were silly, some poetic, some just crazy! I smiled as I picked up a note which read travel around the world!!!

There were times like these when I couldn’t understand why Maya wasn’t with somebody. I could see nothing wrong with her. She was great! I had introduced her to a whole bunch of my friends and she had hit it off with all of them. But they never saw her as more than a friend. Neither did she, for that matter.

I just didn’t get it. She would find these random people in random places. I should know, I was one of them. I mean one of those random people in a random place. 

Her friendships were far too many and far too scattered. She shared a different kind of bond with all of us, I guess I should say us. I had tried asking her about it, but she had nonchalantly commented, I don’t know what to make of it either. Maybe she noticed something in us that we didn't know existed.

Her radiant, happy face was what made everybody gravitate towards her. Most of the times, she had this bright dazzling smile on. Most people saw the superficial smile and assumed things were always great in her life. I was like that too. Never realized that she too could have some problems, some heartbreaks. 

Like the other day, I knew something had happened when she had asked me to come pick her up. But like I said, she never told me what it was. And I never asked. I figured she just needed some time to get over it, whatever it was. Besides, after that one isolated episode, she’d brushed aside the incident as though it didn’t matter at all.

 I noticed it, one fine day, that flitter of sadness over her face. I had looked around, wondering if anyone else had seen it too. Others had been blissfully unaware, they were still joking around. She was laughing too, only now I could see, that the laughter wasn’t reaching her eyes like it did normally. I remember wondering if I was imagining things.

I ignored it then, ignored it the next day and the day after. After a while, I couldn’t understand why it was obvious only to me that Maya was terribly sad. She never uttered a word. Normally, I wouldn’t have bothered asking her. My logic was, when she wanted to, she would talk about it. But I knew Maya had a strange way of dealing with things. I asked her about it directly one day. I could tell that she was horrified that I had noticed, but she’d pooh-paahed my observations.

Your imagination is working overtime, she’d accused me. But I had known I was right. It wasn’t as though I wanted to talk about things she didn’t want to talk about, God forbid! Nothing like that. I just wanted her to feel better. Genuinely better. I wanted that carefree, happy and straightforward Maya back. Not this one, who thought she had to pretend to be happy around friends.

I had tried to make her laugh, it wasn’t too hard. Laughter was something which came naturally to her. But it never lasted. I could see glimmers of that smile that had me hooked, but somehow it never came to the forefront. Then one day, I found myself alone with her. Everyone had just left and we were saying our goodbyes. As I hugged her goodbye, I held on to her for a moment longer, long enough for her to understand that even though I didn’t get what was wrong with her, I was there for her. Long enough for her to know that I would never let her be alone. Long enough for her to know that she had a friend who saw right through her.


Photograph via sxc.hu