As Good As It Gets - 20

Aditya moved on easily without me. I wish I could say it was the same with me, but it wasn’t. I craved for his attention even though I knew it wasn’t going to come my way. I lapped up the sympathy that my friends offered me. Darshan, being the nice guy that he was started dropping by every evening to cheer me up.

Of course, I wasn’t upset all the time, but left on my own, I used to turn broody and gloomy.

A couple of weeks into my new relationship with Darshan, I became aware of his feelings for me. I knew I had to put a stop to it then and there. I knew I wasn’t ready to be with any one. I wasn’t even sure whether I would ever be ready to be with anyone. But Darshan was there for me to salvage my broken pride and my broken heart and I played along.

I played my part perfectly. The batting of eyelashes, the shy smiles, the seemingly innocent text messages.

Suchitra and Meghna weren’t happy with the way things were progressing.

“Why are you doing this Anagha?” They asked me. Only Ann understood. I was hurting so bad inside, that I had to pass it on to someone else. It wasn’t selfish as far as I was concerned. If someone could use me and then cast me aside, why was I expected to bother about some one else’s feelings?. I wasn’t proud of the way I thought but it was all about self preservation. In this game, someone had to get hurt and I was going to make sure that it wasn’t going to be me. I had built a wall around my heart, so thick that even I couldn’t pierce through it.

Vikram watched quietly from the sidelines. Every weekend without fail, we would meet at the bookshop which was followed by coffee. Never did he once, offer his opinion on my relationship status. And I was grateful for that. I was already been judged by a million people in my college.

Each time they would see Aditya walk by with his new girlfriend  in tow, heads would turn and look at me to capture my reaction. Our little romance wasn’t such a secret after all.

Darshan and I didn’t last very long as expected. There was one thing I absolutely hated about him, he wasn’t Aditya. I picked on him constantly, stood him up regularly, never called when I promised I would. Initially, being horrid to him gave me a sense of relief. I was in control of this relationship. I called the shots.

Darshan, patiently bore it all.

But soon, Darshan’s feelings started getting to me. I could no longer avoid the fact that I was hurting a friend.

The next day, I told Darshan I couldn’t be with him anymore. I will never forget the look on his face as he heard me blabber an explanation for my erratic and often terrible behavior.

“But Anagha, I’m prepared to look past all that. Can’t we start afresh?” Couldn’t we? I couldn’t. I knew that for sure. I knew I didn’t want to be with Aditya, but I also know that I couldn’t be with anyone other than Aditya.

The hurt, disbelief and anger on his face mirrored what I had felt when Aditya had backed away from me. I knew then, that I had lost a friend and nothing was going to make it alright. Ever.

As Good As It Gets - 19

I heard him slam the doors as he made his way to the guest bedroom. I slumped on the bed and reached for the phone. What had Anurag sent that had upset my husband so much?

The message was still unread. He had gotten angry about the fact that Anurag was texting me this late. Despite the gravity of the situation, I felt a smile making its way on to my face. I felt like I was back in high school. Our oh-so serious had been reduced to this. Some other boy texting me.

I quickly changed into my pajamas and made my way to the guest room.

The lights were switched off and the figure on the bed didn’t move but I knew he was awake. I crept under the blanket and snuggled up against him.

“Go away Anagha.” He muttered.

He was sulking! I snuggled in a little closer and after a while, he gave up and put his arm around me. And after a long time, I slept peacefully without the demons of my relationship harassing me. In that moment, I thought all my problems had dissolved.

The next morning, when I woke up, his arm was still around me and as the sun streamed into the room, I thought of how close I had come to losing my perfect relationship. To make up for my behavior yesterday, I decided to make a special breakfast for him.

To put it mildly, I’m a klutz in the kitchen. Rarely does anything that I make come out palatable, but today I was determined to make it work. It was 7 AM on a Sunday morning, but I didn’t think twice about calling Suchitra. If I was going to do it right, I was going to need a LOT of help.

“Oh my God Anagha, it’s 7 in the morning. Go back to sleep.” Suchitra, clearly was sleeping through the beautiful morning.

“No no no! Don’t hang up! I need help.” I said quickly. I heard her yawn over the phone.

“What’s up?” She asked sleepily.

“Okay.. I have to make a super breakfast and I need your help and it has to be really really good and easy to make, if possible.” I tried to be as clear and concise as possible.

“You? Are going to cook?? Wow, this is serious. What happened?”

“Later later. Just tell me what to make and how to make it!”

Suchitra was a fabulous cook and had been ever since I had known her. Some day she planned to open a restaurant and I had never quite figured out what she was waiting for.

Under her expert guidance, I tried to make a lavish spread. Of course, not everything was perfect. The pancakes too hard, the syrup too runny, the toasts a little burnt but all in all, I thought I had done a pretty good job. As good as could be expected from a noob like me.

I went downstairs and brought some fresh flowers and placed them on the table. I pulled out our best plates and put the coffee for brewing. Everything was ready and perfect.

I made my way to the guest bedroom. He wasn’t there. I walked from room to room looking for him. He was in the shower.

I knocked on the door and hollered in a cheerful voice. “Breakfast’s served!”

I sat at the table and waited for him.

He didn’t come out for a good half an hour. I looked around in dismay at the spread on the table. Everything had become cold.

When he did come, he took one look at the table and turned towards me, “You think that’s going to make up for yesterday?”

I walked towards him. “Oh come on, I apologized for yesterday. Come, I’ll just heat up something.” I gave him my best smile and slipped my hand in his and tried to drag him to the table.

He pulled his hand away roughly. “You should have asked me before you made all this. I’m out for breakfast.” There was no hint of a smile on his face. His eyes were cold and bitter. I shied away, hurt.

“Well, can’t you cancel? I cooked all this for you.” I said. I forced a smile on my face. Maybe when he heard that I had cooked, he would change his mind. He knew if given a choice, I would never enter the kitchen.

“Sorry..” He said and walked out.

“Hey!” I felt sudden flashes of anger run through me. I ran behind him. “Where do you think you are going? I cooked all this for you and you’d better eat it.” I put my hand on his chest and glared at him.

He moved my hand off him and held it for a moment.

“Yesterday, you asked me for time, and I gave you that time. Today, I’m asking for some time.” He said simply.

“Time for what?” I asked in a small voice, the anger all but disappeared.

“To think over what happened. Just because you are normal today, doesn’t mean, I’m okay too. It’s high time you realized that there are two people involved in this marriage.” It was like a slap on my face. I had always considered myself to be those model considerate wives, I guess I was wrong. I stepped back quietly and watched him leave.

For the second time in a row, breakfast in my house reached the trash can.

As Good As It Gets - 18

I don’t know why, I just couldn’t bring myself to hate him. The more I tried to hate him, the more he occupied my thoughts. I wasn’t healing, each time I would see him, I felt bruised. Of course, through it all Aditya wanted to stay friend. And initially, I thought that I was capable of that.

We went out a couple of times. Then one day, we decided to visit an exhibition in one of the uptown resorts. The exhibition was boring and crowded, so we decided to take a walk around the resort. The conversation was casual and light hearted and just as I was thinking that things were going to be alright between us, we came across the pool.

The sun was setting and the effect that the orange sun and the blue water were creating was intoxicating. We stood there silently, each of us immensely aware of the almost magnetic  power the other had. I turned to face him.

He sighed and put his arm around me.

“Remind me again why we are just friends?” He asked softly.

I shrugged off his arm. Something about his touch was disturbing.

“Don’t Aditya.” I pleaded.

“Why should we Anagha?” He put out one hand.

“This is very difficult for me Aditya. Please. Don’t do this.” I said, as his hand covered mine. It was like nothing had changed. I had to stop it, end it and end it in such a way that we both knew it was over and there was nothing left to salvage.

“Don’t you think about me?” He asked.

I steeled myself. “No.” I pushed him away.

“We can’t be friends anymore Aditya. If you were in fact a friend, you would have understood how difficult this is for me. But you don’t. All you see is what you want. And that’s not going to work for me. This is it. End of the line for us. Please don’t try to call me anymore.”

And that was it. Aditya and I ended just like that. He never tried to approach me after that. Neither did I. of course, I missed him like crazy and took a long long time to get over him, I never called or texted him again.

He had changed something within me. I became cynical and bitter. people around me began to feel the change and started withdrawing from me. During the getting over period, I chased guys. Anything to get my mind off Aditya. Of course no one ever matched Aditya. After getting my heart broken, I broke some hearts. And one of them happened to belong to my now good friend Darshan.

As Good As It Gets - 17

I drove like a maniac. Thankfully the streets were empty. I reached home and sent out a text message to Ann to let her know I had reached safely.

I made my way up the stairs slowly. What was I going to say to him? I fumbled with my keys at the entrance. There was still time, I could still turn around and go back to Ann’s.

I gritted my teeth and stepped inside. The house was in a disarray. He had come back in and thrown some things around. He had quite a temper at times. I stepped over some things as I looked around for my husband. He was nowhere to be seen. I crept into the bedroom and saw him lying wide awake, staring at the ceiling.

“Hey you..” I said softly. He turned to look at me in surprise. I made my way over to him and placed my hands in his.

“I’m sorry.” I apologized.

“You’re back.” He said simply.

I nodded. “I am sorry behaved like an idiot. I don’t know what came over me.”

He relaxed and pulled me closer.

“I had no idea you felt that way.”  I leaned back into his arms and put my head on his shoulder.

“Forget it. I don’t know what I was saying.” I didn’t think it was a good idea to bring up all that again. Some day, when he was in a good mood I would explain it to him gently.

He caressed my hair for sometime. “Clearly its important for you Anagha. What is it? What is it that you think Anurag can provide you that I can’t?” The question was asked causally, but I felt the underlying barbs.

I turned to face him, “Nothing happened between Anurag and me. Nothing.” I said seriously.

He pushed me away slightly. “How can I be okay with that Anagha? That you got another guy to be your date tonight.  Would you have forgiven me easily if the tables had tunred turned?” He asked.

No, I wouldn’t have. In fact, I would have done something drastic by now if I was in his place.

“Listen to me,” I pleaded. “That was a bad decision. That’s it!”

In the darkness, the light glowing on my phone looked unnatural. Some one had sent me a text.

Awkward silence filled the room.

“So who sends you messages so late?”

“Even if its him, it doesn’t mean anything. Why won’t you believe me?” I was desperate for him believe me.

He got up, flipped my phone open and made a disgusted face. He tossed the phone at me. Anurag.

“I’m going to the guest room tonight.” With that he closed the door behind him leaving me alone with my thoughts.