As Good As It Gets - 16 - The Break Up

Aditya and I started hanging out regularly. Of course, in college, we still pretended like we didn’t know each other. But when that clock struck eight, he was there, outside my door, with a great smile and flowers at times.

We were dating, weren’t we? I opened up my heart and my mind to him. He possessed me. I couldn’t think of anything other than him. Everything revolved around me. I could feel myself alienating my friends, but its was like something drew me towards him. Some unseen force used to drag me towards him. I couldn’t get him out of my mind.

On his part, I think he was downplaying his feelings. Trying to be cool by not showing it. By not showing how much I meant to him. I knew the feelings were there, could feel them brimming under the surface.

But something bothered me. It bothered me that he didn’t acknowledge me in college. It bothered me that I was not supposed to talk to him in college. I mean, he never told me directly but I could tell by the way he behaved that he didn’t want anyone to know that we were seeing each other.

Was he embarrassed to be seen with me? The thought plagued me. I was too ashamed to tell my girlfriends about it. I had them thinking Aditya and I were in an ideal relationship whereas in reality, he hadn’t even asked me out. As a matter of fact, he hadn’t even admitted to me that he liked me. Was it all in my head?

It was during our everyday bus ride back home when I decide to break the news to them that Aditya and I were not “officially” dating each other. The others were gossiping about some girl who dressed terribly everyday.

“Did you see her today? Wait I have a picture!!” Meghan pulled out her phone and showed the picture to all of us.  Suchitra and Ann were in splits.

“What’s with you! Didn’t you find it funny?” Suchitra nudged me.

I took a deep breath, it was now or never. “Aditya and I are not really dating. He never asked me out. I just assume that we are.”

There was a stunned silence.

“Why would you make us believe that you are?” A visibly confused Ann asked.

“I don’t know. I didn’t want to accept that my romance was less than perfect.” I sighed. “I know, pathetic isn’t it?” I looked up at Suchitra.

“Come one Anagha, what’s the big deal? If he’s not asked you out, you ask him out!” She smiled at me. “Not like you guys are not already dating. I mean, all you want more is an official tag really.”

Yeah. Yeah. All I wanted was him to acknowledge the fact that we were together. Through out it all, Meghna had stayed silent.

“What do you think Meghna?” I asked her.

“Anagha, I don’t want to be the one telling you this.. But.. ” She paused, “Some one has to tell you. Aditya is not the kind of guy who you should be dating. I mean, no offense, I think he’s a great guy. Its just his reputation in college sucks.. And I would hate to see you hurt.” She clutched my hand.

I smiled. She didn’t know anything about Aditya. His so-called reputation didn’t bother me. I knew he felt something with me. How many times had he whispered in my ears that I was different.

“I think he really likes me.” I said.. I don’t know if I was reassuring Meghna or myself.

That evening, when Aditya and I went on our walk, I pondered over how I could bring the topic up without being too obvious.

“You’re awfully quiet today. Everything okay?” He tugged at my hand.

This was my chance. I shook my head slowly.

“What’s wrong?” He asked. His voice full of concern.

“Aditya.. Where are we?” I asked.

“What do you mean, we’re in your neighbourhood.” He smiled.

“I mean, where are we? What are we?” I pointed at him and then at me.

He stopped abruptly.

“What? You want us to start dating?” the way he said it, that tone of voice. It was something like, “really? You think it will ever work out?”

I looked down to hide the hurt, which I am sure was apparent on my face.

“Don’t you want to?” I asked softly.

“You know Anagha, we hang out in different groups, will you ever be able to adjust with my friends? My kind of crowd? I go clubbing every weekend, I’m sure folks won’t be okay with that. I need a girlfriend who has that kind of freedom. I really like you, but all this is important to me too.”

I didn’t react to what he was saying. All I could understand from all that BS that he was feeding me was that he didn’t want me.

“You understand right Anagha? I mean, its too early to get into all this anyway. Let’s just keep things as it is and see where it goes.”

Slowly, I stepped away from Aditya.

“Where are you going?” he stepped closer. “Anagha don’t be a child. Come here.”

I put my hand up to stop him.

“I got my answer.” I looked him straight in the eye.

“All I’m saying is that I don’t think you can adjust with my lifestyle.” He justified.

I allowed myself a smile. “Anything other than a yes is a no Aditya. Goodnight.”

I turned around, with my head held high, glad that the darkness covered the tears that flowed down my cheeks and made my way back home.

Not once, did Aditya try to stop me.

As Good As It Gets - 15 - Home Sweet Home

I lay awake in Ann’s guest room long after midnight. I knew Ann thought I was making a big mistake. But to me, it felt right. Suddenly the shackles of responsibilities started falling off my shoulders. I didn’t have to answer to anyone or expect anything from anyone anymore.

I was free.

 I turned to my side, and felt my phone vibrate.

Anurag was calling. I squinted my eyes and checked the time on my watch. It was fifteen minutes past two.

I debated whether I should answer his call or not. And then I thought, what the heck, I was bored and unable to sleep.

“Hey Anurag, what’s up, everything okay?” I forced some cheer in my voice.

“Wow, that was fake.” Came back the prompt reply.

I smiled despite myself.

“So why are you calling me this late?” I asked.

“To see if you’d answer. And since you answered, I’m guessing he’s not around. So what’s going on?” He was remarkably astute.

“Oh nothing much, I stayed over at Ann’s.”  I tried to downplay it.

Did not work.

“You what? Did you guys fight? I hope it wasn’t because of me.”

“Don’t flatter yourself.” I jested.

We both laughed half heartedly. Despite the humorous tone of our conversation, we were both aware of the unsaid things.

“Anagha..” He said kindly.

I couldn’t bear it, “I don’t think I love him anymore..”

There was silence at the other end.

“I am sick of waiting for his attention. Just sick of living for those moments which never come. We’re like strangers who live together. I don’t even know what  he does the whole day. I doubt he cares what I do! Is it wrong? To ask for a little affection? It shouldn’t be this difficult should it? I have put aside everything for him. Everything. And he can’t give me a little bit of his time? That’s pathetic.”

Still no response.

“Hello?” I said tentatively.

“I’m here. Wow Anagha, you sound so selfish.”

I stopped, shocked. Selfish? Me?

“What are you saying? How does this make me selfish?” I was offended and I needed an explanation.

He sighed deeply over the phone. “Can’t believe, of all the people in this world, I have to tell you this. But honestly Anagha, the guy dotes on you. And have you ever told him you need more time with him? Have you ever bothered to find out what he does the whole day? Have you ever spoken about it? He can’t read your mind.”

I was stunned. “YOU are telling me that? Stop taking his side. Be a friend. Be supportive.”

“Sorry Anagha, I can’t. I feel bad for the poor guy. The way you are treating him.”

“He didn’t even stop me from going to Ann’s.” As I said it, I realized, even though he hadn’t said anything, I could tell I had hurt him. I stopped mid-sentence. I closed my eyes and the whole scene replayed in front of my eyes.

“Anagha?” Anurag interrupted my thoughts “I’m not judging you.. You did what you..”

“Anurag.” I said. “I’ve to go.”

“Wait, where are you.. ?”

That’s all I heard. I had to do this before my ego kicked in and made me change my mind.

I tiptoed to Ann’s room and shook her gently.

“Ann, wake up, I need your car.”

“Anagha!!” she said groggily. “What time is it?”  She squinted her eyes.

“It’s three. Now can I have your car?” I asked impatiently.

“Should I even bother asking why?” Ann eyed me suspiciously.

“No. Where are the keys?”

I was going home.

As Good As It Gets - 14 - The First Kiss

Aditya had promised to take me some place nice, so I dressed carefully. Nothing over the top, but nice enough. I stepped out gingerly and raised my eyes slowly to meet Aditya’s.

“Wow..” was all he said. That was all I needed to hear. I could tell, even before the evening had started, that I was going to have a great time. 

I can’t remember what I ate or how it tasted. I was mesmerized by him, his mind, his mannerism. I could observe him for hours and I did. Time passed quickly and before we knew it, it was time for me to go back home.

“Do you have to go now?” He asked as he dropped me back.

I nodded reluctantly.

“Come on, just ten more minutes.” He pleaded.

I knew it would get me into trouble but I found myself smiling. “Okay, but just ten minutes.”

“Want to take a walk?” He casually held my hand and pulled me gently.

“Aditya, I can’t..  I have to be home in ten minutes.” I protested half heartedly.

“I’ll have you back in ten minutes. Trust me.”

We walked around like that, hand in hand. At the back of my mind, I could hear some warning bells ringing. My mum had friends in the neighbourhood. What if one of them saw us. I chose to ignore them. I was so aware of Aditya’s touch, that I couldn’t concentrate on anything else.

I had roamed these streets a million times before, but never had I seen them looking as beautiful as they had that night.

True to his words, Aditya walked me home well before the ten minutes were over. He followed me to the door. We stood there for a long time not saying anything. After the longest pause ever, Aditya turned my face gently towards him with his fingers and kissed me.

 “You can open your eyes now Anagha.” His voice shook me out of my trance.

He had stepped back. A sheepish smile on his face told me that he too had been affected deeply.

I stepped towards him.

“Aditya.. I..” I began.

“You’re getting late Anagha.” 

I didn’t want the evening to end. I didn’t want to part with Aditya. For the millionth time, I cursed the fact that I stayed with my parents.

“Goodnight Aditya..” I half whispered.

“Goodnight Anagha, sweet dreams..” I almost laughed out aloud. There would be no sleep for me today.

As Good As It Gets - 13 - Uncertain Times

I walked fast, unsure of where I was heading, blinded by the tears that were streaking down my face. I heard him call out after me. I didn’t stop.

A car pulled up beside me.

“Get in the car Anagha.” He ordered.

“No..” I shook my head slowly “ I told you, I’m not coming home with you.”

“I don’t care, but if you think I’m going to let you wander around in the middle of the night, you’re out of your mind. Now get in the car!”

Meekly, I got in the car.

“So where should I drop you?” He asked once I was in.

I looked up, surprised. I had assumed he would drop me home and go stay with his friends.

“Oh no.” He had understood what my look had meant. “You’re the one who wants this. You stay somewhere else.”  He looked me straight in the eye.

“Fine. Drop me at Ann’s” I knew Ann was home alone for a couple of weeks.

“Does she know you’re coming?”  

I stayed silent.

“Call her. She might have other plans.”

I wish he’d stop being so nice. It made me feel like such a bitch.

“She’ll be free.” I said stubbornly.

He stopped the car. “Call her, otherwise we are not moving another inch. God Anagha! Why do you have to be so childish at times?” He sounded exasperated.

I glared at him, I knew he was right. But I just didn’t want to listen to him. I needed reasons not to like him, he wasn’t giving me too many and I hated him for that. Instead of being angry about what I had said and creating a scene, he was being all nice and caring. I was having trouble remembering why I had fought with him in the first place. Was it about his disinterest in me or my frustration with the monotony of our lives or about Anurag?

Reluctantly I called Ann, she was free and very concerned. I didn’t give her any details over the phone.

He drove in silence. I did not dare to disturb him. I didn’t want to make him lose his temper again. I rubbed my arm gently, where he had grabbed me.

I heard my husband sigh and touch my elbow gently and inspected my arm, He grimaced when he saw the angry red welts.

“God, I’m sorry Anagha. Did I hurt you?” he asked in an apologetic tone.

I shook my head. I had been hurting on the inside for over a year and he hadn’t noticed.

Ann opened the door for me. I stepped in, shoulders straight, head held high. As I heard the car drive away, all the toughness disappeared and I collapsed in Ann’s arms, sobbing hard.

“Shhh.. What happened Anagha? One hour back you guys were fine.” She wiped my tears and let me inside her house.

“I don’t know what to do Ann. Do you think I’m making a mistake?” I looked up at her. One word from her, and I would go back home  And she knew it.

She came around and put her arms around me. “I am sorry Anagha, but that’s a decision that you have to take on your own.”

She was right as always.

“I know, I am just so confused. Why did I bring it up today? He was being so nice today. But something in me was just screaming out. That something was just not right! I mean, today he was showering me with love and affection, but tomorrow, tomorrow it’ll all be over. He’ll get involved with something, I’ll get busy with something and I don’t want to do that. I married him for a reason and it’s almost as though that reason has ceased to exist. ” I fiddled with the glass of water Ann had placed in my hand.

“Anagha.. Don’t take a decision today, you’re upset. Tomorrow morning, ask yourself the same question. If the answer’s the same, then that’s what you want. Then you have to decide whether you want to do something about it. Don’t be hasty.”

I didn’t say anything.

“Do you still love him?” She asked suddenly.

I looked away. I didn’t know anymore.