As Good As It Gets - 25 - End

I stood behind Vikram, watching him thumb through a book silently.
“So this is what you do when nobody’s watching.” I said softly.
Vikram didn’t turn around immediately. He calmly placed the book back and pulled out another one and began to flip through it.
“You found me.” He said, still glancing at the book.
“Yeah. Why’d you come here?” I asked, even though I knew the answer.
Finally, he turned around to look at me. By the slight twitching of his mouth, I could tell he was trying not to laugh. I was suddenly aware of the fact that water was still dripping off my clothes and I had made a little puddle in the middle of the bookstore.
“Let’s get out of here, before they throw us out.” Vikram nodded towards the exit. Us. He had said “us”. Ecstatic, I followed him out.
He walked briskly. I smiled as I realized he was heading towards our coffee shop. My smile didn’t last for too long, he walked past it without a second glance.
“Vikram!” I called out. “It’s here!” I pointed at the coffee shop excitedly.
“I know.” He said, without bothering to turn around.
“Don’t you want to go inside? For old time’s sake?” I looked wistfully at the café.
“Fine. Let’s go.” He said curtly. By now, I was so happy that I had found him, I didn’t mind his curtness. I made a face at him and walked in. This time, the happy couples did not threaten me.
We sat at our usual table. I drummed my fingers excitedly, looking around, “awww”ing over everything familiar.
“Do you remember… ” I would start. Vikram would reply in monotones.
After a while I gave up. My upbeat mood, started to give way to the gloom his downcast fast was spreading.
Finally, both of us sat silently at the table, sipping our coffee.
I wondered what was going through his mind, but I dared not interrupt. I was content, just to have him around.
By the time the cheque arrived, I was harboring no false hopes. The way things were going, I was sure we weren’t going to kiss and make up today. I sighed. Vikram, left to himself, could sulk for days.
As I got up to leave, Vikram started talking.
“Do you know..” He started, “Why I asked you to marry me?”
I sat right back down. I knew then, that this was one of those make or break kind of conversations.
“I was hoping the answer was because you loved me.” I answered tentatively.
“I did.” Did he say “did”? Past tense? “But I don’t think that was why.”
“Why did you?” I spoke as little as possible, trying to ensure I didn’t say anything wrong.
“I don’t know.” He wasn’t making any sense.
“Why is this important now?” I asked.
“Because, if I had to do it again, I’m not sure I would.” He looked me straight in the eye.
I felt as thought the wind had been knocked out of me.
“Okay..” I said after a while, “I deserved that.”
“I’m not trying to make you feel terrible. I’m just saying is it as it is.”
“So what are you saying?” I could feel the delicate threads of marriage starting to fall away.
“I’m saying, maybe we need some time apart.” He suggested.
Was he talking about a separation?
“But..” I said hesitantly, “I don’t want that.”
“So now you want me back?” The sarcasm in his voice was stinging.
“Vikram, please. I know that the whole Anurag thing shouldn’t have happened. But it did. And there’s a reason for it! You are never around anymore!” I regretted it the moment I said it.
“So it’s my fault now?”
“No.. That’s not what I meant. I just meant, that things were less than perfect for me. Just because we are staying under the same roof doesn’t mean that we’re sharing a life Vikram. I need some of your time. Some of your attention. I do.. I’m wilting without it.”
“You know I have been busy! And you have been busy too. Why didn’t you just tell me?!” Vikram countered.
“How could I? You’re always so busy! Tell me the last time, my birthday not included, that we went out?” After a pause, I continued, “Can’t remember can you?”
Vikram stayed silent.
I placed my hand on his. “Let’s just try to work it out. I really want to be with you.”
After an eternity, Vikram shook his head. “I can’t trust you Anagha. How do I know, that the next time something goes wrong, you won’t find another Anurag?”
I winced, it wasn’t as though I had cheated on him! I felt my temper rise steadily.
“You don’t. You just have to trust me.” All relationships boiled down to two things, love and trust. I think we had the love, the trust, was another story.
Vikram didn’t even pause to think about it.
“I don’t think I can.”


As I watched him step out in the rain, I wondered how I had managed to mess up something which was so right. I waited, but Vikram didn’t turn around.
I knew he was going to come back, never in a million years, would he leave me alone. So I waited. I ordered coffee after coffee . But he didn’t come.
I checked my phone every three seconds to ensure that I didn’t miss any calls from him, not that any calls came. As the evening became night, I had run out of the desire to have more coffee. I pulled out the copy of Animal Farm which Vikram had bought for me years ago and started reading it again reverently.
Closing time came as I was finishing the book. Still no sign of Vikram. The café owner nodded sympathetically as she told me she had to close the café now.
“Just one more page” I told her. By now, my vision was so blinded by tears that I couldn’t read anymore. I gave up and let the tears flow silently down my cheeks onto the book.


And then I heard something in a familiar voice that made me realize that everything was going to be okay.
“So this is what you do when nobody’s watching.”

As Good As It Gets - 24

From that moment on, we knew we were going to be together. Not one word was said, we just slipped into our roles easily and perfectly as though we had trained for it our entire lives.

One day, after our regular coffee and books, we walked around aimlessly talking about this and that when Vikram’s voice took a sudden serious tone.

“I have to tell you something.” He stopped in the middle of the footpath and turned to me.

“What, what is it?” I asked, dreading what was coming.

“I think I’ve decided what I want to do.” He said.

“That’s great! What is it?”  Relief flooded through me. This had been a bone of contention between us. I could never ask him directly but his lack of interest in pursuing a career was something that bothered me a lot. As a friend I had been infinitely patient, but now that we were more than just friends, I wanted to make sure he didn’t lose any opportunities.

“Not now, I’ll know by tomorrow. Is it okay if I tell you tomorrow?” I wondered why he was being so secretive about it.

I clutch his hand tight and gave him my best smile. “You’ll be great at whatever you decide to do..” Probably before saying it, I had just wanted to say something that would make him feel good about himself, but now, as I said it, I realized that it was true, Vikram was the type of guy who gave his hundred percent each and every time. Anything he decided to put his mind to, he could do and do well.

“You think so?” He asked. I could tell he was apprehensive about his decision.

“Yes.” I said simply, squeezing his hand.

A smile lit his face and he whispered in my ear, “Thank you..”

“For what?” I asked, confused.

“For not pestering me to tell you what it is. I know how difficult that must be for you.” He gave me a quick hug and turned back to leave.

“Wait!” I struggled with myself. I really really really wanted to ask him what it was that he could tell me tomorrow and not today. I swallowed my impatience and gave him a peck, “All the best, for whatever it is you have to do tomorrow.”

 He smiled, nodded gently and walked off. I spent the rest of the day wondering what Vikram was up to. I resisted the temptation to ask the others. Chances were, if I didn’t know, they didn’t either.

The next day, I got a very strange call from Vikram.

“I don’t think I can make it today. Okay if I take a raincheck?” He didn’t sound too good.

“What’s wrong Vikram?” I was immediately concerned.

“Nothing, just feeling under the weather, I’ll be okay tomorrow. I’ll see you then.” With that he hung up.

I stared at the phone for a couple of seconds and then made for the door. If he wasn’t going to come meet me, I was going to his place.

I was a favorite with his mum. She used to dote on me. She smiled as she opened the door.

“He’s in his room, very upset. Do you know why?” She asked me. I shook my head.

“But I’ll find out.” I said, as I knocked on Vikram’s door. When I didn’t get a response, I turned the door knob. It was unlocked. I peeped inside. He was sitting on front of his laptop, with his headphones on. I walked up to him and ran a hand through his hair.

He turned around, surprised at the gesture. His face relaxed into a smile when he saw me.

“Hey..” He said, pulling off his headphones. “What are you doing here?”

“What happened?” I asked.

“Nothing..” He tried to change the topic. “Do you want to try this game? It’s pretty good.” He pointed towards his laptop.

“Vikram!” I said sternly. He looked at me, surprised, “What’s going on. What did you want to tell me yesterday?” I asked.

Vikram sighed and handed me a CD.

“What is this?” I asked, examining the CD, nothing was written on it. “I told you, I don’t want to play that game.”

“Go home, listen to it and tell me what you think.” He instructed.

“But I..” I started to protest.

“Talk to me, after you have listened to it.” I waited for a moment and then when I realized he was serious, I rushed back home and put the CD on.

It was his music. I had no idea he was so talented. I was blown away. By the time the CD got over, I was already in love with all the tracks on it.

I called Vikram immediately, “That was mind blowing!! I never knew..!” I exclaimed.

“Thanks.”

“So is this what you want to do?”

“Yeah.. But I tried making some recording firms listen to it. They didn’t like it.”

“They didn’t?” I was shocked! How could anyone not like it!

“Yeah, so now I’m thinking of other areas to explore.” He sounded so dejected.

“Vikram, I thought it was brilliant. And if I thought it was brilliant there must be hundreds of people who will too. You just have to keep trying.” I was trying to pep him up.

“I don’t know. I was pretty crushed by their criticism.” He said half heartedly.

“Nobody’ going to hand you success on a plate Vikram, you have to rough it out sometimes.”

“Okay. I’ll think about it.” With that he abruptly hung up.

Vikram took up music full time after that conversation.

 One year later, when he got his first album deal, he proposed and I accepted.

As Good As It Gets - 23

I wander the streets of my fair city alone. I pulled out my phone a number of times only to put it back. If time was what he wanted, I would give him that.

It had begun to rain a little. The light drizzle didn’t bother me. I smiled as I saw people rushing to get some shelter. I put out my hand, enjoying the feel of the cool droplets on my hand. Somehow, I felt that the rain was going to wash away all my sorrows.

One hour later, when I had had enough of the rain, I stepped inside a warm little coffee shop. I looked around in surprise.. Somehow, I had wandered into my old hangout. Everything was exactly the same.

For the millionth time I wondered where he was. He would have been so thrilled to be back here.  

I ran a hand through my wet hair, most of the tables were occupied by couples. I stepped right back out. I didn’t have the strength to see people parading their happiness in front of me.

As I walked in the familiar yet forgotten street, I knew there was one place I just had to visit. I stood outside the bookstore, shivering in the rain, debating whether to go in or to walk away while I still could when someone from the inside beckoned to me.

Surprised, I walked in. It was the old shop keeper.

“Why are you standing in the rain. You can come inside..” He invited me inside. I smiled politely and stepped inside. I was just rubbing my arm trying to make myself warm when his assistant got us a cup of tea.

“Thank you so much!” I said, I was touched by his concern for me. I saw him looking at me carefully and after a moment he exclaimed, “You stopped coming to my shop!”

I hadn’t really expected him to recognize me. It had been a couple of years since we had stopped coming here. We had discovered the joys of ordering books online.

“You remember me?” I asked incredulously.

“Yes, yes.. you’re the girl who used to buy all those classics!” He said, proud as a punch that he had got it right.

Those classics.. Which Vikram used to make me buy. An involuntary smile touched my face.

“Yeah.. That’s right.” I said with a bright smile.

“Finish up fast, and then you can go meet your friend..” He pointed at the cup of tea in my hand.

“My friend?” I asked, confused.

“Yes.. He’s on the 2^nd floor. I was so happy to see him too..” He smiled broadly and then his smile began to droop as he saw the expression on my face.

“You know your friend is here don’t you?” He asked.

“Which friend?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper now.

“The friend you used to come in with.” He said, puzzled, that I was asking this question.

“He’s here?!” I didn’t wait for his answer. I ran two floors up and walked through the narrow alleys trying to locate the familiar face.

And I found him. In the classics section. He was holding a copy of “Animal Farm.”

There he was, my husband, in the all too familiar checked shirt and bulky glasses.  

As Good As It Gets - 22

Slowly, I learnt to live without Aditya haunting me. First it was a couple of hours, then a couple of days started passing by without his thought entering my head. I took it as a good sign and plunged into life. I threw myself into all kinds of activities, dance classes, foreign language classes, volunteering at an animal shelter. Anything I could do to keep my mind occupied.

College got over and everyone started going their different ways. I kept in touch with my girls, but I really didn’t care about the rest of the college crowd. I was far too affected by what they thought of me to want to keep in touch.

My regular trips to the bookstore never ended. Every Sunday, I would find myself in the same bookstore but slowly, it became more about Vikram than about the books. I never realized when it happened. When Vikram and I started hanging out beyond the book store, beyond the coffee.

In fact, it was Aditya who made me realize the importance of my new relationship, which I didn’t know existed.

We both got through the same company when college ended.

Vikram didn’t participate in any of the placements.. He wanted to do his own thing and I used to marvel at his guts to rebel against everything we had ever been taught and make his own stand. Must study-Get good grades-Get placed- Earn good moolah.

Aditya saw me sitting across the room waiting for the offer letters to be distributed. He walked over to me awkwardly.

“Still mad?” He smiled. I had to smile back. He still had a great smile.

“Congrats!” I said. We both had a job now.

“Right back at you..” He said. I nodded and looked down at the bunch of papers I held in my hands.

“So we are going to be colleagues. Exciting huh?” I looked up, wondering why he was starting a conversation with me. I smiled politely.

“Maybe we should catch up sometime?” Aditya asked.

“Why?” The question was out before I could stop myself.

He looked taken aback at the vehemence with which I asked him why he wanted to catch up.

“Lets just say I’ve been thinking about you lately.”

I stared at him. Who did he think he was?!

“Anagha!” his voice snapped me back to the moment. “Say something..” He smiled again. And this time, his smile didn’t male make me smile.

Suddenly conscious of my silence he asked “Are you seeing someone?”

I was about to shake my head negatively when I saw Vikram.

 It was late, and he had come to accompany me back home safely.

“I’m with him.” I said softly, and I found myself wishing that I was seeing him.

That night as Vikram walked me home, something had changed. I knew my perception of him had changed. Maybe he understood that and morphed with it. The only outward sign of the change in our relationship was his hand holding mine gently and protectively.