All Roads Lead Home - 4

I didn’t know where to start from. I stared absently at the bustling street. I was getting jostled by people running to catch up with their lives.

What do I do first! What do I do first!  I asked myself fervently. I decided to find a place to stay and set up base there and travel from there everyday. I checked into a nice hotel, I figured I deserved it after what I had been through. I could afford it, as of now.

I kicked off my shoes and settled in the bed. Suddenly I felt very tired. I had travelled half way across the country without having an inclination of what I was looking for. What if I find them? What did I want to say to them? What if they were no more? Would I not want to go back?

I sighed.

I looked at the phone next to the bed and for a minute the temptation to call home was almost irresistible. I picked up the receiver and dropped it back almost immediately. I didn’t know why it was important for me to maintain this emotional disconnect, but I knew if I called home often, I would take the next ride home. My mum would convince me. She always could.

As a kid, when I used to get hurt, she used to tell me stories of fairies and pixies as she bandaged the wound. I used to get so distracted by the magical world that she was building, I never even noticed the zing that dettol caused. I was about to call it a day, when my phone rang. It was my sister, Prachi. I didn’t want to answer it. As much as we loved each other, there were times when she used to belittle me, my plans or my ideas. Sometimes, I thought it was some twisted way of showing me that she cared, by telling me things, no one would tell me. Things I didn’t want to hear. I used to fight bitterly with her. After all, nobody liked to see or admit to loopholes in their perfect ideas. But as luck would have it, she was right most of the times, and she never said “I told you so.”

I ignored the first couple of calls, but I knew Prachi was persistent. She would know that I was deliberately not responding to her calls. Eventually, I received her call.

“Are you crazy???” No greetings, just a indication of what direction this call was going to take. With her telling me what a fool I was for doing this.

“What do you want?” I was already demotivated. I had never realized that the task of hunting down two people could be so daunting. The movies, always made it seem so easy.

“Why aren’t you answering your calls? Are you going to forget that I’m your sister?” I had to smile, this is who she was. My sister, to the point, no dilly dallying.

“I was busy.” I was lying, I knew she knew that I was lying, but I did it anyway.

“Liar! Okay, where are you right now? Wait, let me get a notepad or something.”  I wondered what was going through her head. She could be rash, impulsive and just plain crazy.

“Okay.. go ahead.” I rattled off the address of the hotel I was staying in.

“So..” she started. I could hear her typing something in the background. “I have just booked my tickets and I should be there by end of tomorrow.”

I was so stunned, that for a minute I didn’t know what to say.

“Ira.. Are you there?” Prachi’s voice shook me out of my shock.

“Prachi, you don’t have to. This is my search and I want to do it alone.” I didn’t know if I wanted her to be here. I was suddenly suspicious. What was her plan? Did she really want to help? Or was she just coming to brainwash me.

“Oh..” I could sense the disappointment in her voice. And then she continued, “I don’t care Ira, I’m coming whether you like it or not. I’ll stay in the hotel room while you go on your wild goose chase, if you don’t want me to help you, but I’m coming. Nothing’s going to change that.”

I flared up, “Why! Why do you do this every time! Why do you have to take everything that is important to me and trivialize it?!”

There was no reaction from the other side. After the long pregnant pause, I heard my sister talk.

“Ira, I think what you are doing is fantastic. And I know, its important for you to find out. Maybe I’ll never understand why you need to look for another family, when you already have a pretty great one around. But I know you want to or maybe you have to. And I was just trying to joke around. Since when did you start taking me so seriously?”

It was as close to an apology that one could get from Prachi.

“Its just..” I said sullenly, “It’s just a touchy topic for me.”

“So I’ll see you in a while?”

“So you think what I’m doing is right?” Despite everything I had said about her, I still needed her reassurance to have the faith that I could do what I had set out to do.

“Sure, I would’ve have done the same thing, had I been in your place. Except..” she paused.

“Except what?” I prepared my self for the barrage of loopholes that she was going to point out.

“I wouldn’t have been so dramatic about it!” She said, “Oh my god! I’m adopted, I need to find out who my real parents are! I have to go right now!” She said mimicking me.

I had to laugh. As we hung up, I realized that I wasn’t quite right when I had said that I didn’t share any similar mannerisms with my family members.

Like my sister I too was rash, impulsive and just plain crazy. And somehow, that thought was comforting.

All Roads Lead Home - 3

As I spoke, I became aware of how futile my search was. It was almost like looking for  needle in the haystack. The lady in the bus, Mrs. Gurung, stayed in the vicinity of where my birth parents had stayed thirty years ago but she had moved recently and didn’t know anyone who had stayed there for a period of more than five years. Still, she promised to ask around and call me, if she found anything.

I was tempted to ask her the background of the area she stayed in. I didn’t even know my birth parents’ financial background. I had been hoping that they weren’t very well off, at least that gave them a reason to have given me up. Looking at Mrs. Gurung, I could tell that she wasn’t particularly well off, but that she came from a family that had just about enough.

Why then, had I been given up? Was I unwanted? Unplanned? What! The questions were driving me crazy.

Mrs. Gurung had been particularly against my trying to find my parents. She was of the opinion, that it would be difficult for any parent to give up a child and if some parent had done that willingly, then maybe, I should respect their decision, and not make them remember their difficult decision.  

I had been aghast! I needed an explanation. An explanation as to why my own parents hadn’t felt the need to watch me grow up, to make me a part of their life.  Or that even though they had given me up, did they never feel the need to know how I was? What kind of person I had grown up to be? 

One more question that bothered me was why they had come all the way to the Orphanage in Bangalore to put me in. Why hadn’t they just left me somewhere closer? I guessed the Matron at the Orphanage knew more and if I had had more time with her, maybe I would have been able to weasel all the information out of her. Either she wanted me to find out on my own or she didn’t want the news to come out at all.

My adoptive parents; I couldn’t get myself to call them mum and dad anymore, It felt alien on my tongue, they called me every hour to tell me that they loved me and had always considered me to be a part of their family. Somewhere deep down, I knew it was true. After meeting the other children at the Orphanage yesterday, I felt lucky to have been adopted by such wonderful people who had opened up their hearts and homes for me. But from now on, I would always be their adoptive daughter. I had started feeling like an outsider with my own family, our conversations formal and constrained.

Most part of it was because of me. I had closed all doors of communication. I didn’t want to know that I was a part of their family. I wanted to know why they hadn’t considered it important to tell me beforehand.

The more I thought about it, I realized that it should have been clear to me years ago. I didn’t look like anyone in the family. I didn’t even have any characteristic personality traits of my adoptive parents. My parents had been brilliant academically, so was my sister, I always struggled through my studies. Arts and music was my forte and my family was tone deaf.

“We’re here!” Mrs. Gurung shook me a little. With a start, I woke up and wondered when I had dozed off. As we got off the bus and said our goodbyes, Mrs. Gurung leaned in and gave me a quick hug.

“May you find what you are looking for Ira. Keep in touch okay?”

As she walked away, I was left to face the cold city all by myself.

All Roads Lead Home - 2

The lady who had been sitting next to me all this while, smiled at me as I entered the bus. For all I knew, she was my birth mother. I mean, how was I supposed to find her? I stared at the hastily jotted down address which the Matron of my Orphanage had given me. AS a rule, she wasn’t supposed to reveal the names or addresses of the birth parents but I could be very persuasive when I wanted to be. I had offered to donate an obscenely large amount of money to the Orphanage for the address.

As I had walked into the Orphanage, from where I had been adopted, the Matron had approached me. She mistook me for someone wanting to adopt and came forward with a beaming smile. Her smile expanded as I told her who I was. She remembered my adoptive parents and thought she remembered me as a baby.

 She introduced me all the nurses who gushed over how I hadn’t changed a bit and even though I knew they were lying, it felt surprisingly good to have them fuss over me. It was as if I had come home after a long time.

As I explained to the Matron my need to find my birth parents, her smile vanished. “Let bygones by bygones Ira” She tried to talk me out of it, but I remained firm. “I have to,” I told her, “Please, won’t you help me? I’ll try helping out the Orphanage from time to time” I had offered.

Finally, after hours of persuasion, the Matron searched through some some old files and noted down the address for me. Hesitantly, she accepted the cheque from me. As I walked out, wondering how I was going to go on this quest of mine without anyone any money, the Matron came running behind me. She thrust something in my hand. It was my cheque. “Give when your heart wants you to, not for that.” She indicated towards the note, which I held tightly in my fist.

I had left then, promising to return when I was financially more stable.

“Travelling alone?” The elderly lady asked me politely. I could tell she was bored and I was in no mood to entertain small talk. I nodded non committedly  and put on my head phones. The lady, didn’t get the point. She kept tapping me, forcing me to take off the head phones, each time, to answer her queries. Finally, frustrated, I took off the headphones and pulled out a map. I wasn’t familiar with the area and had bought a map. The place where my parents stayed was off the road. Once in the city, I would have to find my way on my own. I ran a finger on the map, trying to trace the path that I was to take.

“Where are you going?” The lady peered at the map spread out on my lap.

“Just, tourist places.” I answered politely. I wasn’t going to share why I was here, with a complete stranger.

“Here?” She pointed at where my finger was on the map. I nodded.

She clapped her hands in excitement. “I stay there! you must come with me!”

How could I refuse a free ride? Fifteen  minutes later I was telling her my entire story.

All Roads Lead Home - 1

The journey was a long one, and I was glad for the chance to step out of the bus and stretch my legs.The view was spectacular and I felt rejuvenated, with the fresh, crisp mountain breeze gliding softly over my skin.. I was all alone, in a new place, with no idea how to being my quest but strangely I felt at peace. Some greater force was guiding me. I felt as though I was on the right path, even though I didn’t know where the path would lead me.

All the materialistic things I owned were now in the small bag pack I carried. I had packed up my life in the city abruptly and taken this voyage.

All to find my birth parents.

As its turns out, I was adopted when I was too small to even understand what it meant. My adoptive parents, never let me know I was adopted. I didn’t have any reason to even doubt my true lineage. But the day they told me, my belief in everything they had ever said just evaporated. After a day of trying not to react to the news, I quit my job and  made my escape. To maintain a normal façade and go on with life as though nothing had changed would have been almost impossible for me.

Even the one day that I stayed, questions hounded me.

Did they really love me? Or was it some charity love that I had been surviving on for the past years? I wouldn’t deny that I was given a comfortable place to stay, good education and even love from time to time, but once the truth came out, I began doubting the authenticity of that love. I had started remembering all those little things that they had done for their real daughter, whom I loved with every fiber in my body, but not for me.

I had called my family, from the airport, telling them of my decision. They had been shocked but supportive. They wanted me to discover my roots, if that’s what was going to make me happy, they said. I had hung up, not knowing how to react to that. Why had they kept it a secret for so long? Was there anything  more to it?

I had come here, into the mountains up north because that was the last address of my birth parents that the orphanage could provide me with. From here on, it was anybody’s guess. I couldn’t even be sure whether they were alive or dead. But, in order to try and get rid of the bitterness that had creeped inside me, I had to try.

Maybe somewhere deep inside I felt that I should try and start a life here, where my real parents were. Maybe, they had to give up on me because they couldn’t provide me with a good home and they wanted the best for me. As I a daughter, I felt, it was my duty to look up on them. What if they still needed some help to get by? Maybe they had regretted the decision to leave me and had tried to get me back, it was possible right?

I became aware of the conductor, waving his bright red handkerchief trying to catch my attention. It was time to continue the journey.