My Sister's Daughter - Chapter 5 - Doubts

Things hadn’t gone the way I had planned. I hadn’t intended it to be so harsh, so bitter. I wish I could take back some of the things I said. But what was done, was done.  I turned to leave the room.

As I walked away from my parents, the impracticality of my decision hit me.

How was I going to raise a child? I didn’t know anything about it! What if I did something wrong?

It had been so easy to just say that I’ll take care of her. Raising a child required more than just feeding, clothing and housing it. A child needed to be nurtured. I had seen my sister completely devote herself to Pia. I didn’t have it in me to do that. I just couldn’t.

I hadn’t thought about anything.. About what the consequences of my decisions could be. It would be dreadful for Pia too. Leaving her grandparents and all her friends. How selfish had I been? All this while, I had thought, that it’ll be best for Pia if she came with me.. Whereas, in reality, I was taking a child away from everything she held close to her heart and putting her in strange city in a new school..

  Maybe, it was not too late.. I could just tell ma that I was wrong. And that I’ll come visit Pia as often as I could.

Yeah, that sounded reasonable.

“Khushi?” My mum stood at the doorway. She looked calm, not like the woman I had met downstairs. I was relieved she wasn’t mad at me.

“You ok ma?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. “ There was an awkward pause and then she said.. “ I’m sorry Khushi, I think I said some things I shouldn’t have said.”

“I’m sorry too ma. You know I would never do anything to hurt you.”

“I know Khushi.”  She reached out and placed her hand on my cheek.

She had forgiven me, now I needed her counsel.  “Ma, how will I manage?”

“What do you mean?” My mum suddenly looked worried. “You mean money wise?”

“No ma..” I hesitated, “The responsibility. How am I going to take care of Pia? I can barely take care of myself! I mean, what if something happens, and I don’t know what to do. Pia is so young. Who’s going to take care of her when I’m not at home? Who’s going to take her to school and get her back safely. I can’t leave her anywhere.. I don’t ..  ”  

“Sshhh Khushi..” My mum silenced me and ran her hand over my head trying to calm me.

 I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply for sometime. My mother’s soothing touch quickly calmed my frayed nerves. “Now tell me, what’s the real problem? ”

What could I tell her? That I was running away again?

I decided to stick with the truth.

“I’m scared ma..”

My mother smiled, “Its okay be to be scared Khushi. I won’t lie to you. It’s a big responsibility, but I think you’ll do just fine.”

“But ma..” Her reassurances seemed very hollow to me. I didn’t trust myself.

“Khushi.. You’re the closest Pia has to a mother now.. And you were right, she needs you. Why are you doubting yourself? If you are ever in two-minds, you can always call me and I’ll be there. Everything else is secondary. The only thing you need to know is that you want to do this.”

“Think about it.” She kissed me on the cheek and left me alone with my thoughts.

I needed some distraction. I picked up some photo album lying around and started flipping through it. I stopped on a picture of my sister. I had clicked it when she was in one of her pensive moods. She was looking straight at me. I traced the outline of her face with my finger..

What should I do sis?  

I sighed and turned over to the next picture. My sister was holding Pia. It looked like my sister was trying to hold onto Pia who was trying to get out of my sister’s arms. A smile touched my lips and I flipped to the next picture.

Pia was on my lap, sleeping peacefully. I stared at the picture for a long time. Pia didn’t look alien on my lap. She looked like she belonged.

I turned over to the first picture of my sister, then to Pia’s and my sister’s picture and finally to Pia’s and my picture. I felt oddly comforted by the order in which the pictures had appeared. Maybe it was a sign.

 I shut the photo album.

Was I sure about it? Hell no.

Did I want this? More than anything else in the world.

My Sister's Daughter - Chapter 4 - The Discussion

All was quite for the moment. Pia was at school, dad was working in the garden and mum was in kitchen. I was standing in, what used to be, my room. I unpacked slowly, thinking about what I had decided.

I walked down the stairs to the kitchen. My dad was sitting in the living room reading the newspaper. I stood near the kitchen door, waiting for my mum to notice me. She didn’t

“Ma?”

“Hmm? I’m trying this new recipe today, I think Pia will like it.”  She had other things on her mind.

“Ma, I want to talk to you about something.”

“Yes? What is it?” She still had her back to me. I could feel my dad watching us.

I gulped, this was it, I had to tell her now.

“I want to take Pia with me.” The words came out in a rush.

My mother froze. For a long time, she didn’t move. Then slowly she turned and walked back to me. “You don’t have to Khushi. Your dad and I are perfectly capable of taking care of Pia. Ok?”  She smiled. She thought this discussion was over, but it wasn’t.

“I’m not doubting that. I’m just saying, it’ll be better if Pia stays with me.”  I hated to do this to her, but it was for the best.

“Oh really? Better for who? Pia is not your sister! Your sister is dead!” Her words had a sharp sting to them. There was a long silence that followed.

“So is your daughter ma..” I said softly.. “ Pia is not your daughter.”

My mother’s leaned against the wall, suddenly tired. As though our discussion had drained all energy out of her. “You can’t take her Khushi, I need Pia.. ”

“Can’t you see ma? She needs me.” In my head I heard “And I need her..”

“Khushi.. no.. ” My mum was pleading with me now. “I have already lost one daughter, I don’t want to let go of Pia. ”

I stayed quiet. Who was I to deny a grandmother her granddaughter?

“Poonam,” My dad, who had watched the scene silently, walked up to my mum and put his arm around her to support her.

“Don’t say it..”

 My dad continued, “It has to be done. Its time for Pia to leave us. You’ve seen her for the past six months. She spoke to you today because Khushi is here! We have to think what is best for Pia.”

My mothers shoulder slumped in defeat. I felt no joy, only a sense of responsibility. A million doubts flooded my mind.

I wondered whether I had done the right thing.

My Sister's Daughter - Chapter 3 - The Decision

I got down on my knees and beckoned to her.

 “Go away!” She screamed. I could see her lower lip quivering. I could tell she wanted to be held and comforted.

 “Pia, don’t be like this. I’m sorry. I should have been here with you. I am so sorry. Please Pia.” I was begging, but I didn’t care. I just wanted her to forgive me.

“Will you forgive me Pia?” I asked.

She watched me warily and then, when it got too much for her, she flung her arms around my neck.

I held her tight and felt an odd sense of calm fall over me. The six months of uneasiness left me temporarily and I knew I was doing the right thing.

 

“You sound just like her.” Pia mumbled, still holding on to me.

How many times had I heard that before? People could never tell whether it was me or my sister over the phone.

“I know baby.” I pushed her hair back and took a good look at her.

Swollen eyes, probably from lack of sleep or from too much crying. No color on her cheek, she probably hadn’t stepped out in the sun for a long time. Then my hand brushed past the scar on her chin. I titled her head and ran my finger gently along the long scar.

It wasn’t this scar that I was worried about.

“You’ve been crying too much?” I asked her.

“I try not to,” She was trying to be brave. “Gramdma told me mommy and daddy are in heaven now. So I shouldn’t be sad but I just miss them.”

The way she said it, so simply, it tore me apart. I choked up. Be strong, I told myself. She needs you to be strong.

“I miss them too Pia.”  She let go of me and looked at me. Those big brown eyes, brimming with tears.

“Do you think they miss me?”. I smiled involuntarily. She was worried that wherever her parents were, they wouldn’t miss her. I chose my words carefully.

“Of course Pia. Your parents loved you. Of course they miss you.”  Decision

Her face broke into a smile, “Really?”

“Yes baby. They miss you like crazy and they don’t want you to be sad. They want you to be happy.” My answer seemed to have satisfied her and she looked visibly happier.

“What did you get me this time??” Her grief temporarily overshadowed by her desire to get a present.

I hadn’t got her anything materialistic, but I made a decision then and there.

“I have a surprise for you.” The word surprise worked like magic on her.

“Surprise?!? What is it!!” I laughed at her enthusiasm. It was contagious.

“I can’t tell you right away. You’ll have to wait okay?” I could see her mentally conjuring up images of what her present could be.

“Is it a puppy? Or Roller skates?? A cell phone???” The possibilities were endless and her eyes sparkled with anticipation.

“You will have to wait.” I said firmly.

“For what??” Pia was dismayed that she would have to wait for her present for longer than she already had.

“I have to talk to your Grandma before that.” I didn’t know what I was going to say to my mum. But I will think about it when I have to. Right now, I was busy pampering Pia.

Pia chattered on about something. It didn’t even matter what she was saying. I was so relieved that she was talking to me. I just sat quietly and let her talk. I heard the door open and saw my mum and dad peeping inside.  They hadn’t heard Pia laughing for a long time.

Relief was apparent on their faces. They both stepped inside gingerly, worried that any moment Pia would see them and stop talking. Pia did see them, but she grabbed my mum’s hand and took her somewhere, most probably trying to sweet talk her into agreeing to my conditions for Pia’s gift. I could hear my mum laughing on her way down.

I looked at my father and suddenly I was nervous. I had ignored his earlier calls, desperate calls to get  me home.

“Dad..” I started. I had no explanation to give, but I had to try.

“Don’t.” My dad put up his hand and stopped me.

“I was really mad at you Khushi,” he continued, “ I was wondering what kind of a heartless daughter I had.”

I looked at him, suddenly hurt. I knew I had done wrong, but I was trying to make things better.

“But today, I heard Pia and Poonam laugh for the first time since the..” He steeled himself, “ since the accident. And I’m very glad you came.” He smiled at me.

There’s no better place to be, when you are hurt, than in your father’s arms. And that’s where I was.

Just like that, the house became whole again.

My Sister's Daughter - Chapter 2 - Pia

I still remembered the first time we entered this house. My parents had built it after my father’s retirement. This house, had seen us through so many joyous occasions. My parents fiftieth wedding anniversary, my sister’s wedding, my niece’s first birthday. This house was always some place I could come and be happy. Never before had it been so unwelcoming.

There was this time when my sister was working in some other city and I was staying with my parents. One day my sister called me and said “You remember , you met my colleagues the last time you had come to visit me?”

“Yeah, what about them?” I was wondering which direction the conversation was heading.

“Well, one of them asked me to marry him.”

I had burst out laughing then and asked her “What did you say?”. I was fully expecting her to burst out laughing too.

“I said yes.”

“You said what???” I was stunned.

“I said Yes.” I could hear her smiling over the phone. “I’m getting married!”

And that had been it. Within a month, my sister was married. How happy we all had been that day.

Coincidently, it would have been their tenth wedding anniversary today, but there was no celebration this year.

I don’t know how long I stood there.

“You came..” The spell broken, I looked around. My mother was standing in front of me. She looked tired beyond her years. I put down my bags and walked into her open arms.

“I wasn’t sure you would come.” She said.

“I had to.” My mother nodded as though she understood. But how could she? How could she know what I was feeling.

“Are you eating properly? You look thin.” I smiled. Despite everything that had happened, my mother’s questions were the same.

“I’m fine ma.. How are you and dad?”

“Getting along. You should visit us more often. We are old folks now.” My mother was trying to make me feel guilty for not visiting her. And it was working.

“I know. I wanted to.. But something came up.”

“Something always does.”

“How is..”

 I was struggling to ask the question, I didn’t want to know the answer.

 “Pia?” My mum asked, “Poor kid, doesn’t talk much nowadays, doesn’t go out to play. Her teachers say she doesn’t interact with anyone in class. I’m worried.”

“She’ll be fine..” I tried to reassure my mum, but I didn’t believe she was going to be fine.. I was 24 and I still wasn’t fine, how could I expect a eight year old to be fine.

“Where is she?” I wanted to see her, I wanted to hold her and apologize to her for deserting her when she needed me the most.

“She might not want to meet you.” My mum was pretty blunt about it.

“I’ll take my chances.”

I went looking for Pia.

She was so tiny the first time I saw her. An exact replica of my sister.  I remember not wanting to hold her, because she looked so delicate. My sister had laughed at me then and taught me exactly how to hold her. And I had. Pia was just two months old then and she had wrapped her fist around my finger. I still have that picture on my desk at work. With the three of us smiling into the camera.

I opened the door to what used to be my room. Pia was sitting at the far end of the room. She didn’t turn around.

“Pia?” I called.

She turned suddenly, her eyes wide open in surprise. Then she saw me and the spark in her eyes disappeared. She got up and stood there looking at me.

“Pia..” I said again.

She took one step towards me and then hesitated.

 Was she going to run away from me?