Once Upon A Dream - 5

She felt \peace. She had found her purpose. All this while, working like a crazed maniac, she had tried to find some solace. But something had always been missing. After endlessly searching for it in meaningless relationships, she had found it, the missing piece of her heart. It had always been him.

She ran her fingers through his hair as she smiled down at him. And he laughed with her. As though he understood. As though he was happy to have her around.

She cast a triumphant glance towards his father, expecting him to be beaming from ear to ear but he just shook his head sadly and walked out. Confused, she turned towards his mum who stood rooted.

“Did I do something wrong?” She asked, refusing to leave his side.

His mother relented. She sighed deeply, “No bacche, I’m sorry. This has just been so difficult for me, I forget that it was equally hard for you.” While you stayed.  His mother left those unsaid words  hanging in the air.

“I’m not going anywhere again. I’m going to stay here, near him.” She said in her most convincing voice.

A tired smile appeared on his mother’s face, “I know what you’re going through. There is nothing you can do for him. There’s nothing you can achieve by staying here. Don’t throw away your life. I’m sure he wouldn’t have wanted that.”

Her confusion grew, “All this while you’ve been making me feel horrible about leaving and now that I want to stay you’re asking me to go?”

His mum pursed her lips and came closer to her. She placed a warm hand on her shoulder. “I was.. ” She hesitated, “I guess I was just mad, that nothing happened to you.” His mom touched her face gently, “Mad that both of you had the accident and you came out without a scratch.” She wiped an unshed tear, “And my son, who would have been 30 this year, is..” she swallowed deeply. “Who knows what great things he could have done.” She said, a half smile appearing on her face.

She stared at her mother, a little in disbelief mixed with a little sympathy. She had often wondered, why she hadn’t come to any harm. They both had been together that day. Both of them wearing a seatbelt, not going too fast, no alcohol in their system. It was just that, an accident. And she had come out of it unscathed, a few scars and bruises. The bruises didn’t even last a week. Nothing to show what a large part of her had died in that accident.

Him on the other hand, almost immediately, they had known that he would never be okay. She had hated herself for not protecting him. How she could have done that was anybody’s guess. But she couldn’t really fault his mother for harbouring those feelings. She had often prayed that she could go back in time and chose to drive that fateful day. Then what would have he done? Left her? Been with her?

“But I’m here now, I can’t. I can’t leave him again.” She shudder at the thought.

His mum separated her hand from him, “Please, don’t make this harder on us than it already is.”

“I don’t understand. Why can’t I stay?” She asked, slight anger creeping into her voice.

His mom took her hand into hers. “Come, visit anytime. But don’t do this. He would hate to see you waste your life. I know he would. He wanted to see you happy.”

She turned back to him. He had drifted off to sleep. Maybe his mother was right. Yes, she had found peace here. But that didn’t mean she had to stay here. Would he even know that she was around?

Once Upon A Dream - 4

She walked back unflinchingly towards the bed, where he had quite forgotten about her and was playing enthusiastically with his hands. She touched his face lightly expecting him to turn towards her.

He didn’t.  She rested her palm on his cheek and traced his jaw line gently hoping to elicit a reaction.

“He can’t see from that eye.” His father reminded her silently.

Of course, she remembered that. She took his hand in hers as she moved towards the other side. Somehow, she had captivated his attention. She looked into his unwavering gaze, seeing a little bit of his old self. Very little, but he was there.

She kissed his palms, wetting them with her tears.

“Goodbye.” She whispered into his ear as she pecked his cheek and then his forehead.

She waited till some strength returned in her legs and she could move away from him. She tried to wriggle her slender wrists from his hands but he refused to let go. She turned them sideways and looked up at him. She thought she saw his eyes glisten. His mom assured her it happened regularly.

“What? What is it?” She said after unsuccessfully trying to get away from him. “What does he want?” She asked his father.

“Stop struggling. Give him a chance.” His father hadn’t tried to judge her, or why she came. In a way, she was grateful for his unconditional acceptance. He smiled encouragingly at her, “Don’t worry, I’m right here.” He reassured her.

As she turned from father to son, she let her body loose and her apprehensions disappear. She felt him tug her hand lightly.  She let him guide her. She felt him place his hand over hers. His warm hands. Just the way she remembered them. Some things hadn’t changed a bit. The thought brought a smile to her face and when she looked up, he was smiling a little too. Or was it just her imagination?

She felt his thumb graze over her skin. Was he trying to write something? The movements were shaky and uncertain but she was sure he was trying to etch something on her skin. What was that? Her initials? His initials? She couldn’t tell.

She tried explaining this to his parents, but his mother was convinced that he was just randomly moving his thumb. She should have believed his mother, but her heart believed otherwise. He wanted to communicate with her and she wasn’t getting it. Maybe if she hadn’t left him at all, she would have understood him now.

He wasn’t distracted now. She could tell he had to focus, like really focus to keep his eye on her. Impulsively, she squeezed his hand and declared, “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere. I want to be here with you.” As she said it, she realized she had said what she had wanted to say for 7 years. It was fine and dandy for others to say move on but honestly, what did they know? Had they lost someone so tragically ever? Seen them deteriorate in front of their eyes? She had run out on him when he had needed her the most. Not again. Never again.

Once Upon A Dream - 3

“I think I’ve seen enough.” She told his mother, tears glistening in her eyes. “I should leave.”

She had barely lasted 30 minutes. Her gut told her to stick around, but her mind was telling her to cut her losses and run.

 “Okay.” His mother nodded. She had gotten used to people walking in and out, unable to deal with what she had faced for ten years, for even an hour. She was no better. His mother had known she wouldn’t last an hour.

“He doesn’t remember me.” She explained. No one  asked for one but she felt obliged to tell them why she was leaving.

“Muh! Muh!” He said. He was more animated now. But maybe it was because he wanted more food.

“Just stay.” His father spoke from a corner. “Let him get used to your presence.”

She shook her head, sniffling loudly, “I can’t.” She said helplessly.

His father placed his hand on her shoulders, “It’s okay, we understand.” He tried to smile at her but it didn’t come out right. Feeling more guilty than ever she stepped away from him and his father.

She paused as she reached the door.

“I’m leaving now.” She announced slowly. Silence. She turned around, sobbing a little by now. “What else can I do?” She shut her eyes tightly, wiping her face with the back of her palm.

His mother looked away from her, she probably had more important things to worry about than a strange unfamiliar girl crying at her doorstep. There was a time when this family was like her own. Not anymore. She had severed all ties with them, in fact they had encouraged it.

“He’s not going to recover sweetheart, don’t wait for him.” She had been advised. And after waiting around for three years, she had given up. Three years of hopelessly sitting around his bed side, trying to be positive around his family and crying herself to sleep every night.

His mother had no right to make her feel like shit. She had waited. She had done all she could. She had wanted to keep in touch but they had told her to start a new life, to move on.

With great difficulty she had done exactly that. Taken each day as it came, forcing herself to be normal, to ignore the void that she felt everyday. She knew it would never be completely filled, but she had hoped that after ten years, it would have healed a little.

Seven years after her sabbatical, they had called her. To share news that he could understand them. Communicate even. She had left everything, just dropped everything and rushed back on the first flight.

For what? What had she expected? A happy reunion?

Once Upon A Dream - 2

She played her part beautifully, quietly listening to the mother joke about his recent doings.

“You don’t know how much fun he makes of me. Whenever I say I am going to try dieting, he starts laughing.”

True to his word, he started laughing. Hope touched her. Maybe if understood his mother, he would understand her.

He laughed easily and naturally. It was the only thing he could do to express himself.  

“Here, stand next to the bed while I get a refill.” His mother told her. “He gets agitated if he’s alone.” His mother explained.

She nodded and stood next to him. Almost immediately, he turned his head to look at her.

“Muh! Muh! Muh!” He tried to say something to her.

“What? I can’t understand!” she told him as she inched closer. His hand found hers, and he clutched it tightly, almost making her wince in pain. His strength surprised her and she squeezed back.

“Muh!” he insisted, his eye never straying from her face. She stood there quietly holding his hand, aware of his father standing behind her.

“Talk to him.” His father said.

“What should I say?” She asked. She had never been at a loss for words before.

“Anything. Tell him about your day, he’ll like that.” His father suggested.

Obediently, she started, “I reached a couple of hours back and came straight to meet you.” No reaction. “I got some stuff for your folks.” She paused. No reaction. She felt like she was talking to a wall. She felt like an idiot, he probably couldn’t even understand what she was saying.

From the corner of her eye, she watched his father leave and then whispered gently into his ear, “I feel silly, I need a reaction, please say something!” To her surprise he started laughing.

 Loud, uncontrolled laughter. His mouth was wide open and his eyes fluttered quickly. His hands moved and his fists started clenching. He seemed to have quite forgotten that he was holding her hand. For a second, she felt scared. He was supposed to be unpredictable now, wasn’t he?

In a jiffy, he released the hold on her hand and his head fell back to the pillow. “Muh.” He said.

Desperation clawed at her and she held his hand once again, “Tell me you remember me! Tell me!” She cried, her voice half muffled with emotions.

“Mmmmmmmh!” he said again. 

She rubbed her eyes lightly. What had she expected anyway? When she had decided to visit, his parents had told her in no unclear terms that he was nowhere being normal. That she shouldn't, if she was hoping to see some of the old him. That if she was looking for closure, she wasn't going to find any.

But still, despite all odds, she had hoped against hope. Allowed herself to revisit old emotions and now it seemed like there was no escaping it, she could feel the wet trail of tears dripping down her chin as she resigned herself to the immense sadness she felt. 

Regret for the loss of years of happiness that she had spent with him. The fond memories, filled her with sadness. 

The man she had once loved had been reduced to this.. this figure.. in front of her..